[January 17, 2006]
Be sure to check out the Video Clip of the Week! "Can Your Car Do This??".
The Five Star Hangover Rating System
One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively
well; however, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still
feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you
have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is
only
increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity
pancake
from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion There is some definite havoc being
wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you
of the
flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life
would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns.
You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke
--- yet you haven't peed once.
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else
you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has
given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but
that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face (For the
ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the
bumper cars). Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair
hurts. Your
sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take
during the
day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying
the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every
pore and making you dizzy. In fact, you are probably still drunk. You
still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing
your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out.
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is
suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger
was
passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a
fire
hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater'
thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the
toilet
water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now!
[© Stud Monkey Racing]